The Bumpy Road of Non-Self

The more I know the less I really know! Any time we consider the opposite sex we are talking about something that we can’t understand and never will. People that are contented in love relationships simply let the other person be different and trust each other to be working toward the same things.

Any time we try to find someone that is just like us, we fail. It will never happen. If we find someone that likes the same things and arrives at the same conclusion and values we can consider ourselves very lucky. If we look into it too deeply we will find that they like the same things but not for the same reasons. They arrive at the same conclusions but not by the same logic and reasoning. They have the same values but don’t hold them the same way.

This is a very slippery slope to be on and sometimes we just need to let go! Enjoy the moments when we can connect and enjoy the moments away from each other. As far as I know that is the only way to keep a relationship alive.

This is especially true when you get beyond co-dependence and are together out of choice rather than out of a sense of completion. Does life work when you are with this person? How does it work? Just barely? Or are your major life needs being met?

It is time to consider the possibility that men and women are moving and growing in different directions. They may share the same road for awhile and be the best of companions on the journey of life but there is always a point where one will take the right fork in the road and the other will take the left.

If the development of your soul is important to you, then you will go through many such companions and outgrow each other. If you are not interested in soul development, you might spend your entire life with one person! You are not seeing how many miles down the road you can get in this life time but instead taking a needed break and enjoying the roses and the companionship.

We all need a little of both.

Recreational Sex and Civilization

In our sexually frustrated and hungup culture it is difficult to imagine how recreational sex and civilization are tied together. First I must clarify what I mean by recreational sex. I mean sex between two partners that are in love with each other and both feel soul growth because of the relationship. They are both developing spiritually and emotionally because of this sharing of opposite sex energy.

Polyamory has nothing to do with what I am talking about and casual sex has nothing to do with what I am talking about. When you are in a romantic sexual relationship with the wrong person or just for one night stands great damage is done. This includes the increased possibility of STD’s as well.

Human sexuality has evolved into something quite different from what we see in other mammals. For instance humans do not come into “heat”. The menstrual cycle is not when conception occurs. quite the opposite in fact.

Female breasts are located prominately on the chest and enhanced with fatty tissue to make them rounder and more plump to subconsciously resemble buttocks and sexuality. No other animal has this aesthetic feature. The mammary glands in other animals appear to be only functional.

Author Robert Anton Wilson suggests that the development of the aesthetic female breast and the change in menstruation were evolutionary devices intended to keep the males horny and home as part of the family or herd. This is clearly a concept worth further consideration and study.

He contends that most if not all evolutionary leaps within humanity come from visionarys that have broken free of the “married with children” trap. In other words some form of sexual deviancy that generates sexual energy but does not produce children brings genious into this world. This includes homosexuality. I might add that it could include recreational sex as well.

Tantric sex practices suggest that the overflow of bio-sexual energy during arousal and orgasm flood the entire physical and non-physical bodies making them stronger and more resilient. The physical body stores this energy and uses it in emergencies and in the development of the soul.

Both Freud and Reich have suggested the root of mental and emotional pathology lie in a frustrated sexual drive. Reich suggested that orgasm at least four times a week was needed to ensure mental and emotional health.

The problem of course lies in pregnancy and child birth. It is the backing up of sexual energy within the physical body and circulation through the chakra centers that soul development takes place. Pregnancy and childbirth short circuit this development and stop the evolutionary progress in favor of procreation of the species.

For the human race to evolve there is a need for children but there is also a higher need for birth control pratices that allow recreational sex with the proper partners in romantic love relationships. It is now becoming possible to see what we must do and how important these things are.

Males getting a vasectomy is becoming more common than ever because it allows this very thing, recreational sex without the risk of pregnancy. Only long term studies will determine any possible negative or positive health benefits from this practice.

The Attraction of Opposites

In my last post I talked about how humanity has split into two divisions, one materially hard wired and the other spiritually hard wired. During the old eon soulmates were attracted to each other from across this barrier. Spiritually wired persons were attracted to materially wired persons and vice-versa. This paring of opposites allowed tremendous energy and current flow between both partners in a type of intense love experience.

But there have always been two types of soulmates and depending on a person’s personal development they had sexual relationships with one type and platonic relationships with the other. That is the secret meaning behind the three persons in the traditional Lovers card of the Tarot. Romantic triangles have always been a part of the energy flow of the universe. The fourth portion of the energy cycle was the “Collective” acting as a “Common” or “Ground” for the entire circuit.

So somehow in romantic love relationships we find sexual partners, platonic partners and the human collective all playing major roles at various times of our lives. Everyone at some times needs to deal with the pain and anguish of the romantic triangle in one aspect or another.

At least this is how things have always been. The energy pathways of the new age have not yet been mapped or determined but it seems the “Collective” is being taken out of the picture and being replaced by the Holy Guardian Angel or “Higher Self” that has integrated both male and female aspects. Our inner male and female natures are being developed in this new age.

Adam & Eve, Lilith & Cain

In my last post I talked about the biblical “Sons of God and daughters of men”. In the evolutionary sense this meant the “fallen angels” entered flesh and became the “males” of each species. There were very important differences back then in that the “conscious awareness” that centered around females was the instinctive life force that centered around the survival of the species. This center of consciousness was located at the lowest levels and became known as the shadow. It is the reality behind the old myths of the evils of sex and of woman as the tempter of man.

The “conscious awareness” that centered around males was centered around the “groupsoul” of the species and tapped into the astral memories or ghosts of what had sustained life in the past. The males could tap into the astral for the guidance of the species and the females could tap into the material world to bring new life. Together they were an unbeatable combination.

I’m talking about the males and females of all species because humanity did not yet exist. These guiding intelligences of the life force became symbolized by half human and half animal characterizations. The god Pan is an example of the male personification and Lilith the witch/sorceress is an example of the female personification.

We’ve heard much about the god Pan but not much about Lilith. Lilith was said to be Adam’s first wife before Eve. It has also been rumored that she was his favorite. When we talk about soulmates things get confusing but Adam and Lilith were opposites and equal in power. While Adam was the first human, Lilith was not truly human but more half human and half animal. She was more like mother nature in human guise.

Nature requires a heirarchy. Being opposite and equal in power does not make for good relationships. It makes for power struggles. Eve was created out of Adam’s rib and subordinate to him. Eve became Adam’s consort and perfect companion. They bore two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain slew Abel and became the first murderer. He also became the perfect consort for Lilith and subordinate to her.

When we put all this mythology into a psychological perspective we can say that the human race evolved and Eve was the first female to be born with a “higher self”. Cain became the first male to evolve a shadow self. What was once the “Sons of God and the daughers of men” became the “Sons and daughers of God” and the “Sons and daughters of men”.

The human race was split into two factions. The spiritual faction were known as the “Sons and daughters of God” and worshiped a male Deity. The materialistic/magickal faction became known as the sons and daughters of the earth and worshipped a female Deity. They were the first witches and warlocks if you will.

The dominant always had a consort or soulmate that was compatible and a second soulmate that was a true opposite that was equal in power and difficult to get along with.

Evolution is a constant process and in today’s world everyone has both a “higherself” and a “shadow” just like we all have a male and female aspect. In Jungian terms they are called the Anima and Animus. They are not equal however and we each have inclinations toward one or the other. Religion has called this the battle for our souls. This is all part of the old eon. We could choose one path of the other but not both. We would find the missing elements in our partner. We would also encounter our counterparts along the way in romantic triangles of one type of another. The traditional “Lovers” tarot card shows three people and not two. It depicts the choice that must be made in choosing a partner of earth or a partner if spirit.

In this new eon that is upon us both our higherself and shadow aspects are becoming integrated and activated at the same time. We are becoming both male and female. We are becoming both spiritual and material at the same time. This is accelerated with the world wide use of alternating current that powers just about everything we use. The human race is evolving into a God race.

The Sons of God and Daughters of Men

When life first appeared on earth it was not male and female. It was asexual and reproduced by simple cell division. Later plants reproduced by producing runners. We still create new Ivy plants by taking cuttings from the parent plant and letting it root in water before planting it.

For lack of better words I will call this type of sexuality female in the sense that XX chromosomes created new life from various types of cell division. This was physical based life in the extreme sense of the word. All that mattered was the continuation of life in the present moment.

Physical life ultimately died and the physical energy left the physical body upon death and became astral or ghost like. The energy remained as the shadow or memory of what used to be. There remained within the astral the trace of what life needed to get up to that point. New life forms were encouraged to follow the astral patterns of what had gone before.

In time these astral memories or shades gained a form of life and intelligence of their own. They became group souls or guiding intelligences that joined with physical life to perpetuate it.

Ultimately these life forms entered physical bodies for the first time as males. They had XY chromosomes and could only reproduce through sexual reproduction with females of the same species.

In biblical terms the first males were the fallen angels led by Lucifer. This is the hidden meaning alluded to by the phrase “Sons of God and Daughters of Men”. Sexual reproduction through the union of male and female was a quantum leap in the evolutionary process. Infinitely more variations could be attempted. The winning solutions would be absorbed into the race and failures would make clear the boundaries of what could sustain life and what could end it.

Male and Female existed long before the race of men but the thread of racial memory still exists and we can follow and understand who we are and why we are different from each other. The female bestowed physical life and the male brought knowledge of the astral memories of what had been successful before.

In the earliest female we find the Shadow and will of physical flesh to continue living. That is why the female is so strong within the present moment and alert to the realities of physical living.

In the early male we find the Higher Self and abstract reasoning to become aware of and to follow a higher “destiny” dictated by the Gods and Goddesses.

Evolution has long since progressed the human race to the point where each individual has a Shadow aspect and a Higher Self aspect. These are only our early roots. In today’s world we can find men with strong Shadow aspects and women with strong Higher Self aspects. We only reflect upon the origins of the phrase, “Sons of God and Daughers of Men”.

The End of Co-Dependency

This has been a hard winter for my wife and I. We moved deep into the country without internet or television to work on our relationship with each other. In one way it was very healing and in another it was the launching pad into a new life.

Annie and I decided that we would be separating early this summer. We were no longer tied together in anyway except pysically. She needed a place to stay and I needed a car. I had a place to stay and she had a car. Talk about a sucky reason to stay together.

The universe took things out of our hands one day when I had her car and it would not start. In the events that followed she decided to leave early and go live with her sister. I was left without transportation and we were both suddenly thrust in survival mode.

To make a long story short, I bought a new car and my car payments require I move back into town into a more modest living arrangement.

Annie and I are both working together to work apart if that makes any sense. Neither one of us is willing to see the other go down in failure but neither one of us is willing to continue the relationship.

Looking back over the ten years we spent together we both feel that we have done lots of hard work and grown in many ways. It has been a time of personal growth but we have simply grown to far apart. It is time for both of us to move on and we are both looking forward to the next adventures.

Why Love Dies

This will be my last post till next spring and I want to leave everyone with some food for thought. Why does love die?

In my experiences with the seven soulmate cycles the energy dynamics both created and destroyed. In the exchange of energy with this person there was a spark of love that allowed my soul to grow and allowed her soul to grow as well. It worked for both of us. That is, it worked for both of us up to a point.

In each of these cycles a point was reached where the energies would clash instead of harmonize together. It was this clash of energy that lead to the death of love between us. In all cases energy that was committed elsewhere could not be shared with me. It might have been a platonic love relationship and she was already in a physical sexual relationship or it might have been involvement with her children.

When our energies clashed it destroyed both her energy and my energy and left us with nothing but ashes. The things we had created remained but it was not possible to create anything new and what we had created was not enough. For the continued growth of our souls we each had to move on.

In retrospect I believe there is a fundamental energy difference between males and females that causes this to happen. Females are born with all the eggs they will ever have. They are stored in the ovaries for life unless they are removed. Each ovum or egg is like a small nuclear reactor that contains enormous power. When a female gives you her love and energy she gives the energy from one of these eggs. Once it is given it can never be taken back. That energy connection is forever.

The female goes through life tapping this energy in all of her ovum or eggs and making astral connections with this energy. Some create physical children. Others create astral children and others are simply destroyed through self defense and combat. When all of her eggs have been tapped she has no more love or energy to give in the sense of newness. All of the old connections will last throughout her life if she is lucky and return her the needed love she needs.

What I mean is that she reaches a point where she has no more to give and needs to rely on the relationships she has already created. If she has made a wise investment energy wise the rest of her life will be blessed. If she has made a poor investment energy wise she will feel the loss of love in her life. If there ever was an argument for caution in sexual and romantic love relations this is one. What is once given can never be taken back. If possible it is better for her to invest in serious love relationships and not one night stands.

For the male things are quite different energy wise. The male generates new sperm throughout their entire life and sperm loss is natural through sex. They may run out in the short term but will keep recharging. This means they are limited in how much energy they can devote to things in life. There is only so much they can devote to relationships at one time. The more astral bodies they have developed, the more energy and love they can devote to a love relationship.

In an ironic twist the only way males can develop astral bodies and the power of their soul is through love relationships with soulmates. As their soul grows so does their ability to love and give what is needed. They start out being able to give very little and end up being able to give everything if they have worked at it.

Females in contrast start out being able to give everything and as their soul grows through the sharing they run out and need to rely on what they have already given to return back to them.

Short term vs long term. The male functions on a short term basis while the female needs to consider the long term consequences of her love relationships with others. The male can get a second chance. The female can’t.

Finding the Middle Ground

I spend hours each day working beside two women. I spend more time in conversation with these women than I have ever done with my wife. They have even called themselves my “work-wives”.

There are days when I chat quite a bit and there are days when I want to be quiet and left alone. The last few days have been like that for me and I’ve spent an entire week listening to these women chat with each other. I’ve heard it before and it always seems to be the same subjects over and over again. Family, kids, food and gossip in general.

I don’t mean any of this in a negative way but I would go insane if I was confined to those topics. I could probably say what I needed to say on those subjects in an hour and be ready to move on.

It was during this past week when I was being driven crazy by this chatter that I realized men and women will drive each other crazy if they don’t get some relief from each other. Men and women can find common subjects to talk about and common projects to work on but none of this can be sustained for long periods of time without some type of relief. Men and women are simply too different.

I know I’ve driven my wife crazy in the same way by always wanting to talk about my favorite subjects. She has a limited capacity for them just as I have a limited capacity for the subjects she wants to talk about.

Finding relief from each other is just as important as finding common areas of interest.

Sharing the Pain

I’ve come to realize that one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made has been to be drawn into a relationship out of pain and loneliness. I found someone to share my own pain and loneliness but we were never able to share our joys and successes together.

No matter how hard we tried it seemed that the energy dynamic between us was stuck in a negative and depressed sharing of weakness that reinforced each others failures and losses and acted to block our successes.

Any successes in my life or hers were produced individually and celebrated individually. She has never even read my science fiction book and probably never will.

There were small things that we managed to share together and we lived for those small joys. They were simply not enough and in the end I need to own that sharing the pain was simply a way to hurt each other. I will never enter a relationship like that again.

If I ever find someone else it will be to share the joys and the successes in life. That is how it should be.

A Strange Connection

I don’t really understand this connection but I’ve observed it enough times to believe that it is both real and necessary to the formation of a love relationship between two people.

This connection involves community and personal sharing with others. My experience has proven to me that prior to becoming involved in a romantic love relationship there is a requirement that I share from my deepest core with other people.

This might be sharing sorrow and emotional trauma at an Al-Anon support group by telling my personal story and releasing the emotion in a way others feel and respond to. It might mean sharing poetry or written essays on the internet and exposing my soul through the written word.

It may mean coming out of the closet locally as a writer and Pagan so that everyone knows who I am. In any case going public and sharing who I am seems to be a prerequisite.

What I mean is that going out intentionally and looking for a romantic partner never seems to work for me. I can go to bars or search the singles on the internet and will not find the right person.

When I go out and bare my soul to the entire world people respond and in the process someone is attracted to me and I am attracted to her. It is almost as if our relationship is a reward for the baring of my soul in  public.

Looking more deeply into this I have realized that emotional soul baring and sharing is needed. People read one of my poems and feel moved because they resonate to the words. In some way I have shared or put into words their own story and their own pain and struggle. It was not simply my own pain and struggle. Likewise it was their hope and dreams that I put into words and shared, not just my own.

This is a powerful magickal act that seems to attract romantic love relationships.